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The Journal Gazette

Saturday, October 12, 2019 1:00 am

Late-night laughs

Kurd pro quo

President Donald Trump announced Sunday night that American troops would be pulling out of Syria, clearing the way for a Turkish invasion on American-allied Kurdish forces. On Monday, Trump tweeted: “As I have stated strongly before, and just to reiterate, if Turkey does anything that I, in my great and unmatched wisdom, consider to be off limits, I will totally destroy and obliterate the Economy of Turkey (I've done before!).”

“And people were very quick to point out that this made Trump sound like the wizard from 'The Wizard of Oz.' If only we could pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.” – James Corden

“That would be reassuring if you ever considered anything off limits. You had sex with a porn star, you partied with Jeffrey Epstein, and you drive your golf cart on the green. The only way you'll stop Turkey is if they try to get your tax returns.” – Seth Meyers

What the president meant to say ...

“Just standing out there and bluntly asking China for election help is a tough one for Republicans to spin. But they came up with a terrible excuse that Trump was joking about China investigating the Bidens. I just want to point out that I tell jokes for a living, and successful or not, rarely do people I work with have to go on Sunday news shows to explain that I was joking.” – Stephen Colbert

Missed communications

“I mean, say what you will, but Trump is really hitting his stride when it comes to obstructing justice. He's really in a sweet spot now. Trump has gone from saying he's totally innocent to now blocking witnesses. This is like when you're a kid and your brother goes from 'I didn't do anything wrong' and suddenly he's like, 'Please, don't tell Mom!' ” – James Corden

“They're also withholding text messages from (U.S. envoy to Ukraine Gordon) Sondland's personal phone, because that's what innocent presidents do.

“Still, it's obvious that the White House thinks he knows too much. Although in this administration, if you know anything, you know too much.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“But Sondland's lawyers learned the administration wouldn't let the ambassador testify after the State Department left a voice mail last night at 12:30 a.m. First off, State Department, just text. Nobody wants to listen to voice mail.”  – Stephen Colbert

Opting out on impeachment

“This afternoon, the White House delivered on their previous obstruction of justice with an official letter telling the House of Representatives that Trump will not cooperate with their impeachment inquiry. Yes – don't get him wrong, don't get him wrong: Trump would like to help with their inquiry into his conversation with Ukraine but, tragically, he has phone spurs.”– Stephen Colbert

“What do you mean you're not participating? It's – it's an impeachment inquiry, not Secret Santa.” – Seth Meyers

To a 't'

“The tweets started coming so fast, he even misspelled one of his favorite words. [As Trump] 'A Total Scam by the Do Nothing Democrats. For the good of the Country, this Wirch Hunt should end now!' He's right. This is a total wirch hunt. And you are Vladimir Putin's birch, too, while we're at it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“And Trump may be losing his mind, because then he followed up by tweeting, 'Ermagerd, it's a fake news a wirch hunt. The ferds should fercus on Hillary's er-mails. Lerck her erp!” – Jimmy Fallon

“This is like the millionth time Trump has tweeted about a witch hunt. You would think at this point he just has to type a 'w' and his computer will just auto-fill-in the rest.” – James Corden