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The Journal Gazette

Saturday, November 02, 2019 1:00 am

Late-night laughs

Our Nationals pastime

“And in yet another sign of just how much of a roller coaster Trump's presidency has been, in a two-day span, he went from the low of his personal lawyer butt-dialing a reporter to the high of killing the world's most wanted terrorist, and then that same day, back to the low of getting booed at the World Series.

“Wow, move over, baseball – there's a new national pastime.” – Seth Meyers

“Then Trump turned to Melania and was like, 'Wow, they really don't like you.' ” – Jimmy Fallon

“Usually to get booed that much at a sporting event in Washington, D.C., you have to play for the Redskins.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You know he's going to be throwing himself a big rally in Alabama after that to make him feel great again.” – Jimmy Kimmel

Terrorist comparison

“Trump was obsessed. You might say he had al-Baghdadi issues.” – Stephen Colbert

“You know how I know that killing bin Laden was a big deal? Because Barack Obama never had to say that killing bin Laden was a big deal.” – Stephen Colbert

“You don't have to pretend this guy is a bigger get than bin Laden. First of all, it's childish. Secondly, he's not. All right? Bin Laden changed the entire world forever. It's 18 years after 9/11 and I still can't take four ounces of lotion onto an airplane.” – Trevor Noah

Loyalty test

“Hey, Laura Ingraham, you're attacking a decorated veteran to protect Donald Trump. Who do you think you are, Donald Trump? And by the way, yes, Colonel Vindman emigrated from Ukraine when he was 3. Nobody even remembers where they were when they were 3, with the possible exception of you. I'm sure when you were 3 you were already at Saks Fifth Avenue making a salesperson cry.” – Seth Meyers

“So of course the first question for these Republicans is 'How do we destroy this man?'

“The patriots over at Fox News found it very suspicious that our top Ukraine expert is from Ukraine. And it is suspicious when you learn someone in the Trump administration has actual expertise in his field.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Now, mind you, uh, he was 3 years old when he came to the U.S., so he didn't move here – he was moved here by his parents. Right? Because now they're making it seem like he was like a double agent for Ukraine. Like, what kind of baby spy thriller were you watching?” – Trevor Noah

Word for word

“It definitely seemed at the time like the memo of Trump's call was not, in fact, a complete transcript, because there were multiple ellipses throughout. And those were definitely not pauses, because Donald Trump does not take pauses; he just yammers until he runs out of oxygen and then inhales like he's about to go pearl diving.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“(The transcript the White House provided was) 'Comma for comma'? Yeah, that's when we should have known he was lying. When has Trump ever used commas? Like, ever since he came down that escalator it's been one four-and-a-half-year-long sentence.” – Trevor Noah