The Journal Gazette
Saturday, November 23, 2019 1:00 am

Late-night laughs

Democratic debatable

“As if that all wasn't enough political theater (Wednesday's impeachment hearings), there was a Democratic debate tonight. This is the first debate ever to begin with a round of tequila shots.“Why are they even having a debate today? The White House is imploding – just take a knee and run out the clock.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Going into it, Biden was in first and Warren was in second, but after what happened today, the new Democratic favorite is Gordon Sondland.” – Jimmy Fallon

“So now between Buttigieg, Biden, Warren, and Bernie, this has become a four-way race. And if you include Cory Booker, it is still a four-way race.” – Trevor Noah

“You know somewhere out there Donald Trump is going, [imitating Trump] 'Oh my God, I can't believe I risked impeachment over Joe. Someone please tell me there's a Hunter Buttigieg.' ” – Stephen Colbert

The Sondlund of impeachment

“He threw everybody under the bus: Mike Pompeo, Mike Pence, Mick Mulvaney, John Bolton, John Bolton's mustache – even John Bolton's mustache's mustache.” – Trevor Noah

“This was like the 'Wizard of Oz' of impeachment testimony. [imitating Sondland] 'You were there and you were there and you were there, too, Mike. You were the scarecrow!'

“Even the White House janitor was like, 'Am I gonna go to jail?'” – Seth Meyers

Purple Heart witness; red-faced questioners

“(Lt. Col. Alexander) Vindman came to the United States as a child when his father fled the Soviet Union, and went on to enlist in the Army, where he received a Purple Heart for his service in Iraq. Given his history, the only way Vindman could be more all-American is if he appeared in a Ken Burns documentary about the Statue of Liberty – which he did as a child.” – Stephen Colbert

“The way they treated this Lieutenant Colonel Vindman was embarrassing even for them. They tried to smear the recipient of a Purple Heart to protect a president who doesn't even have a red one. Jim Jordan of Ohio – this guy – he implied that Vindman was a leaker with questionable judgment. You know, questionable judgment, like, say, if you were a wrestling coach and the team doctor was abusing your wrestlers and you knew about it but you didn't say anything. That's questionable judgment, right, Jim Jordan?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You think he's trying to sabotage Trump? The only person who's trying to sabotage Donald Trump is Donald Trump. I mean, the guy commits crimes then goes on TV and confesses to them. Honestly, there's a chance he's trying to get impeached so he can collect unemployment.” – Seth Meyers

Let's get physical

“Yes, Trump's first part of his physical is going to be such a hit that next year, they're coming out with a sequel: 'Colonoscopy 2: 2 Blocked 2 Scope.'

“I just had one. My doctor never said, 'OK, uh, drop your pants, uh, bend over, try to relax – I'll be back in six months.' ” – Stephen Colbert

“Now, because no one trusts this White House, everyone is wildly speculating about what actually happened. Did Trump have a heart problem or a stroke? And if he did have a stroke, how would you even be able to tell? Yeah. No, because the symptoms of a stroke are slurred speech, confusion and erratic behavior. For Trump, that's a Tuesday!

“In fact, if Trump ever starts speaking normally, that's when Melania should call 911. It'd be like, 'Hello, ambulance? Something is wrong with my husband – he just finished a crossword puzzle. Please send help!' ” – Trevor Noah

“He's faster than a tweeting bullet. He's able to bankrupt tall buildings in a single bound.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I am sincerely relieved to say that it looks like there's nothing wrong with the president's health. I might not be Trump's biggest fan, but I don't want him to leave the White House feet first. I want handcuffs first.” – Stephen Colbert

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