The Journal Gazette
Saturday, November 30, 2019 1:00 am

Late-night laughs

Power of the pardon

“The president pardoned two turkeys (named Bread and Butter) and I think a Kentucky Fried Chicken while he was at it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I saw that you could actually go online and vote for which turkey got the official pardon, which is why Butter's lawyer got caught in Ukraine trying to find dirt on Bread.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Only one thing: Bread won the White House Twitter poll by 12 points. But, of course, the Electoral College picked Butter.

“I'm surprised Bread won the popular vote. I can't believe it's not Butter.”– Stephen Colbert

Appearances can be implicating

“Wait, so you were overseeing the impeachment inquiry, and you were part of the thing he's being impeached for? This is like if the judge at the O.J. trial had been the glove.” – Seth Meyers

“Now, in a totally unrelated story, in 2018, (Rep. Devin) Nunes claimed expenses for a four-day trip to Europe between Nov. 30 and Dec. 3. Abraca-dum-dum. How stupid do you have to be to file expense reports on a crime? 'All right, give me all the money in the vault, and could you validate my parking?'

“It reminds me of the children's classic, 'Nancy Drew and the Case of the Man Murdered by Nancy Drew.' ”– Stephen Colbert

Dog day afternoon

“Meanwhile, today at the White House, Trump hosted the hero dog that was wounded during the al-Baghdadi raid. His name is Conan, check it out. It was interesting – when Trump said, 'Sit, stay and rollover,' every Republican in Congress started doing it.”– Jimmy Fallon

“I'm surprised he did not give Conan his famous sports team welcome, because a dog is really the only one who'd truly appreciate a table of cold hamburgers.” – Stephen Colbert

“He was actually so well behaved during the Oval Office appearance that Mike Pence gave him a treat afterward. Not the dog – Donald Trump.” – James Corden

“The president gave Conan the dog a plaque, which I'm sure he will treasure, and presented Conan with a medal. You know what kind of medal the president gives a dog? The medal of fleadom.”– Jimmy Kimmel

Sign up for our daily headlines newsletter

Top headlines are sent daily

Share this article