Spreading like a virus
“It was announced that, due to coronavirus, the music festival Coachella has now been postponed until October. In fact, headliner Rage Against the Machine has already changed their name to Rage to Get the Vaccine. And that's not the only musical act that plans to be in Coachella in October. You can also count on Miley Virus, Justin Fever, the Flu Fighters, Pandemic! at the Disco – we got like a hundred of these. The only band yet to confirm is the Cure.” – James Corden
“Today, 'Wheel of Fortune' filmed without an audience as a protective measure against the coronavirus. Things are so bad over there, Vanna is now turning all the letters with her elbow.
“Meanwhile, because of the virus, the mayor of Boston announced their annual St. Patrick's Day Parade has been canceled. Yeah, the mayor asked if instead of drinking, puking and blacking out in the streets, people could make the mature choice and do it at home.” – Jimmy Fallon
Joe on the go
“Wow, it is starting to look like Biden is going to wander away with this thing.” – Seth Meyers
“Wow, I can't believe Joe Biden got into a fight with that factory worker, especially considering he was surrounded by all of his boys. I mean, that is risky. At the same time, Biden knows those guys can't touch him – not because of Secret Service but because of coronavirus.” – Trevor Noah
“Whoa, damn, Joe. Joe! That escalated very quickly. [Imitating Joe Biden] 'Listen, Jack, you want to see some guns? How about these guns right here? Come on, let's go.' ” – Seth Meyers
(After President Donald Trump claimed he could have been a “supergenius” like his uncle, John Trump, who was a professor at MIT)
“So you think you know about science because your uncle was a doctor? People don't just automatically know what their uncles know, otherwise we would all know the lyrics to every Steely Dan song.” – Seth Meyers
“Knowledge does not get passed down. That's why, no matter how much we all know it now, future generations are going to have to learn for themselves that you're an idiot.” – Stephen Colbert
Quarantined Cruz ship
“Yeah, because coronavirus was at CPAC, four Republican lawmakers are quarantined and can have no human contact.
“And Ted Cruz is like, 'What's human contact?' ” – Trevor Noah
“What's really concerning is if it turns out multiple people in Congress have that corona contact, they might have to send all of Congress home, which would be a disaster, because if there's no one in Congress, then who would be left to not pass any laws?” – Trevor Noah
“And once again, we've learned it's never good when the words 'coronavirus' and 'Cruz' are in the same sentence.” – Jimmy Fallon