The Journal Gazette
Saturday, May 16, 2020 1:00 am

Late-night laughs

'The incubation room'

“This is super serious. Katie Miller has attended nearly all of the White House coronavirus task force meetings in the situation room, which they've now temporarily rechristened 'the incubation room.'

“Trump is upset about the outbreak at the White House. According to officials, he was annoyed to learn that Ms. Miller tested positive. He was really annoyed. As soon as he found out, he sent her an irritable arrangement.” – Stephen Colbert

“If we were living in a story or a fable, this would be the moment where the mean old miser finally has a change of heart and throws money at some kid to go buy a goose for the festival or something. But this is Donald Trump – there's no change of heart. There's no learning curve. If this was a Choose Your Own Adventure story, the bottom of every page would say, 'Just go to the next page.' ” – Seth Meyers

“And I won't lie – I'm not surprised that this started in Stephen Miller's house. That dude has always given off major bitten-by-a-bat vibes.” – Trevor Noah

Life during lockdown

“In a new interview, a White House senior adviser said it was, quote, 'scary' to go to work after two fellow staffers tested positive last week for the coronavirus. Said the adviser, 'Before this, it was just embarrassing.' ” – Seth Meyers

“The coronavirus is now officially in the White House, and that's scary. Although if it's like everything else that lands in the White House, it won't last more than a few weeks.” – Trevor Noah

“Really? You work in the most tested place in the world and you're scared? Hey, I've got a spooky story: you're driving on the highway late at night, when suddenly, a hideous old man rises up in your back seat and says, [imitating Trump] 'You should go back to your job at the meat packing plant – Donny want burger.' ” –  Stephen Colbert

“Our government's response has been so bad that Americans likely won't be allowed to visit Europe anytime soon. Forget Europe – at this point, I'd settle for a trip to the International House of Pancakes.”–  Stephen Colbert

“I mean, even the munchkins didn't come out of hiding until the witch was pronounced dead.” – Jimmy Kimmel

The -gate is open

“Even though the President says everything is great, he is also desperate to blame the fact that it isn't on anyone but him. His new thing is 'Obamagate.' He doesn't know what it is, but he's going with it.”– Jimmy Kimmel

“I think he learned from Watergate things he doesn't like should have the word 'gate' after it. Obamagate, saladgate, Ericgate.

“According to Trump, Obama committed the worst political crime in American history, but Trump won't tell us what the crime is, because it's so obvious that you don't even need to ask, even though everyone needs to ask. Trump is treating Obama less like a criminal and more like they're in a relationship and Trump feels like Obama messed up. [imitating Trump] 'If you don't know what you did wrong, well I'm not gonna tell you.' [as Obama] 'Donald, please. Whatever I did, I'm sorry.' [as Trump] 'My friends were right about you – never date a Leo.' ” – Trevor Noah

Food for thought

“There's a fine dining establishment in Virginia, called The Inn at Little Washington, that has a plan for reopening. You know, social distancing will probably mean a lot of empty tables, which isn't great ambiance wise, so the owner of this restaurant is putting mannequins in the empty seats to make it feel full.“For real – it's like a whole restaurant full of Jared Kushners.

“So, finally, if you live in the area, you can enjoy a three-star Michelin meal in the storage room at 'Westworld.' ” – Jimmy Kimmel

“If eating in a half empty restaurant makes you uncomfortable, now you have the option of eating in the final scene of a horror movie, much more relaxing. Also, how bad would you feel if you're eating alone and then you look over and you see that even the guy made out of plastic was able to get a date?” – Trevor Noah

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